Kindergarten, the place where most kids experience their first real social setting with a large amount of peers their own age. Although I don’t remember what exactly I was thinking or feeling on the very first day of kindergarten my mom later in life told me that I acclimated well. She said she thought that I would be extremely shy when I first arrived on the morning of that first day. What I do remember is meeting a that a female classmate named Jody (names will always be changed in my blog to protect the innocent) who took to me right away. She came up to me when I entered the classroom and asked me to play with her. She was always saying hi to me and giving me plenty of attention after that. She was always praising me and telling me I was cute. She was always telling me how smart I was because I excelled at the learning activities we did in class. She wanted to hang out with me everyday at school, she was always next to me during circle time and always picked me whenever their was a group activity that required a partner. When my mom gave birth to my brother that year Jody suggested that the class make cards to deliver to my mom. And she was the prettiest and most popular girl in the class. We began hanging out after school and on the weekends. Either her dad would drop her off at my house or my mom would drop me off at her house for “playdates”. I felt like the luckiest guy in the world that Jody picked me out of all the kids in school to befriend in such a manner.
I was a very innocent child up to this point. Always shy and reserved, “well-behaved” as I have indicated in other posts. Jody was outgoing and friendly, we were polar opposites. It was during one of our playdates where Jody decided she wanted to take things in what I thought at the time was a weird direction. Basically, she wanted to play “doctor”. I remember being uncomfortable about the whole thing as it was my nature to be reserved, but I complied as I didn’t want to disappoint Jody. This happened a few times on a few different playdates until one time we got caught by her dad. We were in her attic in a very precarious situation when her dad decided to come check on us. Needless to say he was furious. I remember being so scared of him, I wasn’t sure what he was going to do. He was a good man though, and sat us down and explained to us that this was something for adults only. I wondered if he knew that it was his daughter, and not me, that instigated the whole thing. Jody’s dad then drove me to my house and I remember him telling me on the way home that he wasn’t going to tell either of our moms what had happened. That was such a relief in my eyes as I didn’t want my mom’s pristine opinion of me to be tarnished.
I think the outcome of this situation and how Jody handled it scarred me for life. The next school day Jody started ignoring me. She wouldn’t even look at me, much less talk to me. And then she did something that has left an everlasting effect on my relationships throughout my life. She started paying attention to another boy in class. I was devastated. All the things Jody and I had done together in class she was now doing with this other boy. Hanging out with him during circle time, praising him and giving him all the attention she used to give me. It was the first time I felt jealousy. I resented the other boy for this, even though he hadn’t done anything wrong or consciously done anything against me. He was the new object of her affection and it killed me.
Later in life this manifested itself in many relationships where I would discard a girl and then once I found out she was seeing someone new I would fly into narcissistic rages towards the girl. This happened with relationships of all kinds, girls I had dated for years or girls who I had dated for a few months. After the rage episodes I would then begin actively pursuing the girl again, apologizing for my behavior and trying to regain control of my supply before it was too late. I never wanted a girl to move on after they had dated me because that meant if I needed their supply again it wouldn’t be available to me. I would feel this even if I had moved on myself and started dating someone new. I would do things like telling the girl I still loved them even though I didn’t (narcissists don’t feel real unconditional love: This article explains it well), telling the girl what a dirt bag the new guy was, telling the guy that she was still in love with me and would never love him, stalk the girl and her new lover to find any morsel of evidence that I could use against one of them with the other and many other vengeful things. Sometimes I was able to regain control of the supply, sometimes I could not. This particular type of situation was the very reason I married my 2nd wife, I found out she involved with another man so I gave her the ultimate ultimatum (she was also pregnant with my child, so throw that in the mix). It was a very hairy situation that I will explain in full in a later post. If I could not regain control of my supply then I felt a deep seated resentment towards her and a hatred and jealousy of the new guy. I will put more details into some of these relationships in later posts, but I can tell you that I have done some horrible things in my life.
I think that how the situation unfolded with Jody was a major event in my formation as a narcissist. The constant praise she gave me, the attention, the adoration really built me up. I gained respect from kids in my class because I had the prettiest and most popular girl in class who adored me. I was also the smartest kid on my Kindergarten class (or at least I thought so) so I always had the admiration of my teacher as well (remember from a previous post that I was able to read, write and count before entering preschool so I was light years ahead of most of my peers). I loved that kind of attention and respect and my brain was being wired to figure out how to constantly get that kind of attention and respect.
And so it began.