When I first started this blog a few days ago I had the sole intention of spending each blog post on the next stage of my life. Then I realized that would probably get boring over time so I’m going to throw some different topics in the mix every few posts. Plus this will help provide more context around the blogs that do deal mainly with things that have happened in my life.
After years of having my 2nd ex-wife tell me that I am a narcissist and finding books about being in love with a narcissist all over the house I started to do some research on the topic but I never really thought of myself as a narcissist. I just thought this was my ex-wife’s way of explaining to herself why our marriage was in shambles. Basically, she was blaming me for our marriage falling apart and she was putting a label on it called narcissism. It wasn’t until May of this year (2016) that I started connecting some dots while scouring the internet because a girl I had recently dated had some strange behavior patterns and when I told a friend about it he said she sounded like a narcissist. I began to read a lot of articles on the topic and there are plenty of websites out there that list common traits of a narcissist. On most lists I found myself checking off every single item. Here is a list of 21 signs you are narcissist (21 signs you are a narcissist). I checked off 18 out of 21 or the items. Here are the 3 I didn’t check off: I’m not an entertainer, I’m not young anymore (I’m 40) and girls don’t dump me after 4 months. I usually do the dumping.
I took the standard narcissism quiz that can be found here and scored a 30, which is pretty high. Any score above a 17 indicates a certain level of narcissism with 40 being the highest score you can get. What I don’t think this quiz takes into account is that there are different types of narcissists. When most people think of narcissism they think of people like Donald Trump. Loud-mouthed, always in the center of attention wherever they go, very outgoing. Well, that is not me at all. I’m a shy, reserved kind of guy. So how can I be a narcissist? It turns out there are two types of narcissists: overt and covert narcissists. The overt narcissist is what I described above: aggressive, arrogant, loud, obnoxious. The covert narcissist is the opposite: shy, reserved and modest. Here is a good article on the two types of narcissists (Overt and covert narcissists).
With all of this evidence of me being a narcissist I have finally come to the realization that what my ex-wife had been telling me all along is true. I am a textbook covert narcissist. Remember when I said I could only check off 18 of the 21 items on the list above? Well, the reason I am not an entertainer is because I am a covert narcissist. You’d have to be overt to want to put yourself out there like that. “So what do I do now?” I asked myself. Well, I’ve decided that I am going to own this like a boss. Since I’ve seen how my behavior has hurt so many people I am going to be consciously aware of my actions and words from now on. And I am going to write this blog at minimum 5 days a week so that I can truly get my story out there and hopefully help people learn about what kinds of events a child experiences to lead to narcissism and give my readers an in-depth look at what a narcissist is really thinking and feeling when they do the things they do. My guess is that some of the things I am thinking when I do something is going to shock you. You are probably not going to like me very much and that is ok. I have intentionally left the comments section wide open so that people can say whatever they want. I am going to have to be very thick skinned but I am ready for that.