I thought long and hard on how to start this blog and I’ve concluded I will start at the very beginning. I am the product of divorced parents. My parents divorced when I was 2 years old so I don’t really even remember life with my parents being married. They were young when they found out they were having me. My dad was 21 and my mom was 18 and still in high school. Neither of my parents attended college and both were blue collar type workers. I found out later in life that my grandmother on my mom’s side wanted my parents to give me up for adoption because of their young age and their financial instability. I also found out later that I ended up being my grandmother’s favorite and she was always praising me in front of family and friends (more on this later, this constant praise certainly didn’t help any). Lucky for me, they kept me 🙂
I always remember being babied as a toddler. Do this, don’t do this kind of stuff. Both of my parents were very over-protective. Following the divorce I lived with my mom and my dad took me on Sundays. My dad was the kind of guy who liked to party, he liked to drink and smoke weed & cigarettes. My mom was the exact opposite. This is what ultimately led to the divorce. My dad would sometimes come home drunk and my mom would be livid. She was always trying to protect me from this behavior from what I am told. My mom was the shy goody-two-shoes type of person. Didn’t drink, didn’t smoke, didn’t do drugs. This left her plenty of time to spend with me reading me books, teaching me the alphabet & how to write and teaching me how to count. She was also extremely shy and had a hard time meeting new people. These last two points are probably the most important attributes that created my narcissistic behavior later in life if I had to guess. Because I knew how to read, write and count before I even got to pre-school and was always ahead of my class I was always seen as gifted. Because I took after my mom’s shy side I had a very hard time meeting new people and maintaining friendships.
If you ask any professional they will tell you that nobody really knows what causes people to grow up to be narcissists (Causes of narcissism). But they do agree that constant praise and low self-esteem are probably two of the main causes. See, a narcissist will tell you that they are the best. But deep down inside we don’t feel that way. We’re extremely self-conscious and put up a fake front to make up for it. We act like we are the smartest, most attractive people in the room. This can lead to the charismatic charm mask that we put on for everybody. I say mask because, again, it is just a show. We do not really feel that we are the smartest, most attractive person in the room usually and we are extremely jealous of anyone smarter or more attractive then we are. Well, anyone who is of the same gender at least because we see them as vicious competition in our quest for narcissistic relationships.
An example: I recently found out that the ex-girlfriend I dated when me and my last wife first separated was dating someone new after we broke up (read: I discarded her). I scoured her social media until I found a recent picture of her with a guy. This guy was probably 10 years younger then her and extremely well built. You could tell he worked out. I was furious at this. I called her every name in the book on a phone call one day in a narcissistic fit of rage. And I mean every nasty name you can call a woman. 2 months later I see another set of pictures. It turns out the first guy was not the guy she was dating at all. It was her new boyfriend’s cousin or something. The new set of pictures showed a guy 10 years older than her and much less attractive then me. I slept so much better knowing she had downgraded! Well, in my narcissistic opinion I am much better looking!
So the goal of this post was to set the stage for the remaining posts. My life as a narcissist began when I excelled at school, got constant praise from friends, family and teachers and I was just shy enough not to be able to handle relationships like a normal person. I was constantly bullied for being smart and was too shy to stand up for myself as a little boy. I was also told I was a cute kid also 🙂 Not to be a narcissist or anything but I would have to agree! I do think that I am above average in the looks department. No, seriously. That is not a narcissistic comment. I think? All of these things led me to feel that I was the smartest, cutest kid in the class but I had built no mechanisms for how to handle these praises or the bullying that ensued.
Over the course of this journey of blogging I plan to detail events in my life that I can remember that either built upon my narcissism or events in which I can remember acting out with my narcissistic behavior. I am going to have to drop my pride often and really come to terms with how my behavior affected those around me. This will be a tough journey and I hope to provide two things:
- Give you readers a sense of what types of events cause a person to develop narcissism and many of the things I have done to people so that you can learn the tell-tale signs of narcissim.
- Hopefully this will be therapeutic for me. I am not ready to seek professional help yet but perhaps blogging will be the first step in the process. Hey, I’m a narcissist. There has to be something in it for me!