3rd grade, further narcissistic confirmation, admiration and the introduction to porn

For a long time when I looked back on my life 3rd grade was the best time I could think of. Later in life the best time was a summer in college where I was working outdoors as an assistant at an apartment complex. I was getting tan, getting in shape and living in a college town. The girls loved me for some reason that summer and I had more narcissistic supply then I knew what to do with, but I digress. That summer will be for a later post. Back to 3rd grade, I was once again the smartest kid in class. I had the admiration of the teacher and my fellow students.

My 3rd grade teacher adored me. I got straight A’s in class, was extremely popular with the other kids because I helped them. I helped them because it led to more admiration of course, not because of unselfish reasons. One of the more popular girls in class, Karen, was my “girlfriend”. Always by my side, we would hang out after school, go roller skating on the weekends and talk on the phone all the time. We were 9 years old so there really wasn’t much else going on, it was as platonic as a 9 year relationship could be and she was not like Jody from kindergarten (read more about that in this post: Kindergarten as a forming narcissist, an event that lead to my need to regain control of my supply) I cut the bad-boy act out of my behavior as it wasn’t necessary for attention this year.

Because of my advanced intelligence I was tested into a gifted program that year. One day a week for the entire afternoon I got to leave the classroom to join other gifted students in the school in a special room where we worked on logic problems, went on field trips to different cultural events, participated in the local invention convention (I built a better mouse trap!) and were given other various accolades because of our accomplishments. Being placed in this program gave me admiration from my family as well, I was slowly becoming the genius of both my close and extended family and got a lot of attention at family gatherings.

It was the summer following 3rd grade that really had a profound effect on my life. I had a cousin who was a couple of years older than me who I began hanging out with all the time. Prior to this we had always had fun at family events but never really hung out outside of those events. He only lived about a mile from me and now that I was old enough to wander the neighborhood me and him became inseparable. One morning while hanging out at his house while his parents were at work he said he found something in his dad’s closet. He went to retrieve it and when he got back he put a video in the VCR player and pushed play. It was porn. My very first viewing of pornography. Definitely not my last either. From here on out every time we were at his house I asked if his dad had more porn. I was becoming quite the addict and this addiction has stayed with me for the rest of my life. As many narcissists do, I love my porn. I hadn’t begun masturbating yet but that would soon follow.

They say that narcissists don’t really feel emotional attachment in relationships and I think I started to objectify women with my early discovery of porn.  It would be 5 more years until I had my first real sexual encounter and that was not a pretty thing.  More on that later.  What matters here is that I became a porn addict very early in my life.  I would now hunt for porn in my dad’s closet, he had some Playboys.  I was always searching for porn in alleyways and grass fields where it tended to show up from time to time.  I never kept in my house for fear of my mom or my step-dad finding it, I would always keep it in a hidden spot near the house.  The porn addiction had begun and still persists.

Narc

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Narc

I'm a 40 year old male narcissist, and I'm going to share my experiences with you so that you can learn how our mind ticks

45 thoughts on “3rd grade, further narcissistic confirmation, admiration and the introduction to porn”

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