New job, new people to manipulate…and a new girlfriend to victimize

Good morning followers, sorry I haven’t posted in awhile.  I’ve recently started a new job and started to date a new girl so my time has been limited.  I’ll take a brief pause here from telling my life story to update what is going on in my current life.

I started a new business back in February after being laid off from my previous job.  Let me tell you, starting a business is not for the faint of heart.  It took a lot of time and money and I ended up with nothing. Not where anybody, much less a narcissist, wants to be.  Soooo I had to go get a sucker job in which I report to someone.  I have been able to manipulate my way into management jobs for the past 10 years and my new job is also managing people.  It is so easy to get into these kind of jobs by telling the hiring managers exactly what they want to hear.  “I work for my employees, not the other way around”.  “I am firm but fair”.  “My job is to let my employees shine”.  Hiring managers love to hear this stuff but I don’t mean any of it.  I am only looking out for one person, me!

I’m starting off small with this new job, I am only managing 2 people but I already have a plan to accumulate other teams.  Basically, motivate my 2 resources to accelerate the current project, look like a rock star for doing so and begin my empire.  My 2 resources are from other countries and I’ve always found it easy to manipulate people from other countries.  I’m a white male from America, and it is good being a white male from America in today’s world.  Everybody wants what I have.  So I use this to my advantage by telling stories of my great life and listening intently on what other people say in order to decipher what will end up motivating (read manipulate) them.  Then slowly give them what they want so they end up wanting more.  I think in 3 months time I will be able to acquire more resources, probably get promoted and continue my victimization.

On the relationship front I have recently started dating a new girl.  For those that haven’t been following along I am recently divorced from my second wife.  She is the one who pointed out to me that I am a narcissist.  It’s probably good to mention that both her and my first wife are also from other countries.  They come here to seek out the American dream and I tell them what they want to hear.  The new girl, of course, is from another country.  Somewhere in South America but again I try not to get too detailed as I want these blog posts to be anonymous.  God forbid someone finds out who I am and my charade is unmasked.

I knew from the very beginning this new girl would be temporary.  Her English skills are lacking, her body is not really all that great (she has stretch marks from having a kid and her legs are a bit thick for my taste) and she has a shitty job.  What I can acquire from her is temporary companionship and sex until I find someone new.  I have already chosen a newer target and once I get the new girl a bit more hooked I will dump the other one.  The new girl is hotter and younger and has more earning potential.  Those are the things I look for when acquiring a target:  how hot she is, her age so that she does not lose that beauty for awhile, her earning potential and how easy she will be to manipulate.

I should also note that I am (legally) stalking my ex-girlfriend still.  Again, for those that haven’t been following along I had a girlfriend, who I believe is also a narcissist, who I broke up with in February.  I strung her along for as much time as possible but she eventually wanted to get back with her ex-boyfriend.  It looks like they are together now from my “research”.  I think she was cheating on my and/or him while we are dating.  Her boyfriend is very elusive in terms of social media so I have no way of contacting him directly but my plan is to hire a PI and have him deliver a package to her boyfriend.  The contents will be a note with my contact information, some details on our relationship such as when we started dating and when we broke up, a photo of me and the girl in bed that we took right after having sex (no nudity of course, I am not a lawbreaker) and a message along the lines of “she was playing us both”.  My hope is to cause as much problems for her as possible.  Listen, she deserves it if she is a narcissist and really was cheating on both me and her boyfriend.  She rejected me and that is the hardest blow to a narcissists ego.

Until next time,

Narc

4th grade, the start of a troubled childhood

I would have to say 4th grade had the kind of impact on my life that they say can lead to narcissism in a negative way.  They say that narcissists have had some bad experiences in their childhood and when this happens the wall starts getting built.  In 4th grade I had a string of bad experiences.  That coupled with the praise and admiration I had previously had probably was the beginning of me building my wall.

One day early in 4th grade one of the worst social events I had every had up to that point happened one day at school.  I’m not sure what I had eaten the day before or that morning that would’ve caused this event but I digress.  I was sitting in my chair and I felt an awful feeling in my stomach.  I felt bloated and had a few sharp pains in my lower abdomen.  I thought to myself that if I slowly let out a fart it wouldn’t be noticed and would probably help the situation.  It didn’t.  I shit my pants.  It wasn’t a solid shit, it was one of those shits that I knew was runny and was going to smell bad real quick.  The teacher was at the front of the class and I immediately raised my hand.  The teacher came over and I told her “I had an accident”.  She didn’t ask me what kind of accident I had but told me to go to the bathroom and clean myself up.  I went to the bathroom and pulled down my pants and sure enough there was a big spot of diarrhea in my underwear.  Even if I cleaned it up with toilet paper it was going to leave a stain and the smell would be obvious to the other kids.  I went back to the classroom crying.  One of the other boys in my class asked me what was wrong as I entered the classroom and I told him I had an accident.  Probably a mistake.  I went to the front of the class and told the teacher I needed to go home.  She wrote me a pass to go to the main office so I could leave school.  I went home and changed my underwear and went back to school.  It was hard to face my classmates after that.

The resulting effects that this event had on my life were devastating.  I knew the boy I told about my accident told the other students.  I no longer felt their praise and admiration.  This is the time in my life where my scholastic work went downhill.  I remember the exact moment when it happened.  I was in advanced classes in which I was expected to be self-motivated and complete lessons at my own pace.  I decided one day to slow down, to keep the slower pace that even other kids in the advanced program were making.  I no longer wanted to be in the spotlight.  I wanted to distance myself from the spotlight as much as possible in those following moments.  Instead of being known as the kid who was the smartest in the class I felt that I would be known as the smart kid who shit his pants.  If I stayed out of the spotlight nobody would recognize me.

After this awful event I started to build a very thick wall.  I just wanted to be a normal kid for awhile, even though I knew my brain was much more advanced then other kids.  I started to have real social problems, clamming up even more than usual in social circles.  Kids started to notice this even more and I started getting bullied for it.  Kids would be relentless in picking on me, even those that did not know I shit my pants.  In the coming years I would start to develop a sense of purpose to put others down as soon as I could see their weakness.  I hoped to take the spotlight of bullying off of myself by putting others that were weaker than me down.  This is where I really started to develop the underlying self-confidence issues that they say are at the core of a narcissist. Most narcissists really feel bad about themselves under the hood and put on their masks of superiority because of events like this.

The years that followed were filled with me slowing my academic pace and just trying to fit in.  I still loved the spotlight in certain social arenas but fitting in was my new motive.  Establishing dominance over weak individuals began.  The masks that would eventually be worn in my narcissistic adulthood were being formed.

Narc

Dating and punishing the ex, a narcissists story

As I have mentioned in a previous post I’m going to interject some current stories in this blog to break up the monotony of my life story growing up to add some excitement. This post is a story about some recent narcissistic behavior I have done.  At the time I didn’t even realize I was doing something narcissistic and I have corrected the behavior but the damage is already done.

During my last divorce my ex-wife and I were separated but living in the same house.  I lived in the downstairs bedroom and my ex continued to live in our bedroom.  I thought the divorce was going to be quick so I started dating again.  I met a woman and we hit it off right away.  Looking back now she was also a narcissist, which probably added fuel to the fire and I will detail this relationship in a future post.  Long story short we had the over-evaluation phase with each other with constant texts and admiration and adoration.  We both did some devaluing but I was the one to eventually do the discard.  I slept with my soon-to-be ex-wife one night and didn’t call the new flame.  She eventually contacted me to find out what happened and I just told her that I was still married and I thought that hurt her and I didn’t want to hurt her anymore.

Anyways, we kept in touch for the next few months.  She told me her ex-boyfriend might be moving to town but I didn’t believe her.  We started to sext each other on a regular basis and then at one point I cut it off again.  One day I saw a Snapchat post in which she was with a new guy.  I flew into a narcissistic rage, calling her every name in the book over a text message.  I then later apologized but by that time the damage was done and she said she was going to continue the relationship with her ex.

I’ve recently been dating someone new and 2 nights ago I decided to try to hurt her by putting up a profile pic on Whatsapp of me with my new girlfriend.  My sole purpose now that I think about it was to make her as jealous as possible.  I wanted her to see it and be extremely hurt by seeing me with another woman.  I replaced the profile picture with a new one with me and my daughter in it.  Reflecting back though, the only reason I put that new picture up was to hurt her.  I might’ve even kept the profile picture up but my new girlfriend insisted I take it down as we have only been dating 3 weeks and the picture implied a very serious relationship.

So is the life of a narcissist, doing things in life just to hurt those that have rejected and hurt us.

Narc

3rd grade, further narcissistic confirmation, admiration and the introduction to porn

For a long time when I looked back on my life 3rd grade was the best time I could think of. Later in life the best time was a summer in college where I was working outdoors as an assistant at an apartment complex. I was getting tan, getting in shape and living in a college town. The girls loved me for some reason that summer and I had more narcissistic supply then I knew what to do with, but I digress. That summer will be for a later post. Back to 3rd grade, I was once again the smartest kid in class. I had the admiration of the teacher and my fellow students.

My 3rd grade teacher adored me. I got straight A’s in class, was extremely popular with the other kids because I helped them. I helped them because it led to more admiration of course, not because of unselfish reasons. One of the more popular girls in class, Karen, was my “girlfriend”. Always by my side, we would hang out after school, go roller skating on the weekends and talk on the phone all the time. We were 9 years old so there really wasn’t much else going on, it was as platonic as a 9 year relationship could be and she was not like Jody from kindergarten (read more about that in this post: Kindergarten as a forming narcissist, an event that lead to my need to regain control of my supply) I cut the bad-boy act out of my behavior as it wasn’t necessary for attention this year.

Because of my advanced intelligence I was tested into a gifted program that year. One day a week for the entire afternoon I got to leave the classroom to join other gifted students in the school in a special room where we worked on logic problems, went on field trips to different cultural events, participated in the local invention convention (I built a better mouse trap!) and were given other various accolades because of our accomplishments. Being placed in this program gave me admiration from my family as well, I was slowly becoming the genius of both my close and extended family and got a lot of attention at family gatherings.

It was the summer following 3rd grade that really had a profound effect on my life. I had a cousin who was a couple of years older than me who I began hanging out with all the time. Prior to this we had always had fun at family events but never really hung out outside of those events. He only lived about a mile from me and now that I was old enough to wander the neighborhood me and him became inseparable. One morning while hanging out at his house while his parents were at work he said he found something in his dad’s closet. He went to retrieve it and when he got back he put a video in the VCR player and pushed play. It was porn. My very first viewing of pornography. Definitely not my last either. From here on out every time we were at his house I asked if his dad had more porn. I was becoming quite the addict and this addiction has stayed with me for the rest of my life. As many narcissists do, I love my porn. I hadn’t begun masturbating yet but that would soon follow.

They say that narcissists don’t really feel emotional attachment in relationships and I think I started to objectify women with my early discovery of porn.  It would be 5 more years until I had my first real sexual encounter and that was not a pretty thing.  More on that later.  What matters here is that I became a porn addict very early in my life.  I would now hunt for porn in my dad’s closet, he had some Playboys.  I was always searching for porn in alleyways and grass fields where it tended to show up from time to time.  I never kept in my house for fear of my mom or my step-dad finding it, I would always keep it in a hidden spot near the house.  The porn addiction had begun and still persists.

Narc

2nd grade, a conflict brewing inside myself

When I was 4 years old my mom remarried to a man named Rick (name changed).  This was the biggest mistake of her life.  While I love my two brothers and one sister that resulted from this marriage, Rick was a grade A asshole.  He was tall,  handsome, charming.  He drank too much, smoked too much and treated my mom like shit.  And now he was a major influence in my life.  I remember looking up to him in some ways, I wanted to be a “bad boy” like him at times.  This was in complete conflict with the “well mannered” boy that had won me so much praise and admiration from those around me.

I don’t really remember much about 2nd grade, but what I do remember is this:  I was one of the “bad boys” in the classroom that year.  I had two close friends that year and neither of them was good for anything either.  They were always getting in trouble with the teacher.  I was guilty by association a lot of the times.  Yet sometimes I was also in on the shenanigans.  I remember this was the first time in my life I was disciplined for doing something wrong in the classroom.  I don’t remember exactly what I did but the teacher gave my knuckles a good rap with a ruler.

Looking back now I’m sure Rick had a lot to do with this sudden change in my behavior.  He was always bragging about getting in trouble and the hell he raised as a boy.  This was the man I was now living with.  My dad was always in the picture, still about one day a week he would pick me up, but Rick was there every other day.  He treated me decent as a step-son, I don’t recall him ever making me feel like I wasn’t his own.  But damn, did that man have a temper.  When he was pissed off he was usually throwing something, screaming, yelling at my mom and degrading her.  He would send me and my brothers to our rooms for hours.  We were very lucky he was a truck driver as he would be gone for long stints at a time.

I’m not too sure how any of this contributed to my narcissism.  Maybe it was the way Rick treated my mom that might’ve caused me to lose respect for women.  Maybe it was Rick’s fits of rage and how I saw how compliant my mom would get because of them that played a part in creating my own narcissistic rages.  Maybe Rick was a narcissist himself, which leads me to my step-mom.

While my dad had not remarried yet he was living in an apartment with a woman he would eventually marry.  Lisa was an only child with no kids of her own yet.  She was generally a nice lady, also treated me like her own whenever I was with my dad and her on Sundays or the occasional overnight visit on the weekend.  But boy was she stubborn and selfish.  We always had to do what Lisa wanted to do and if she didn’t get her way she would also throw a fit.  She wasn’t as abusive as Rick was.  Her fits usually consisted of a raised voice, not to the point of yelling but more like an upset teacher, and a very slow cadence in which she would describe exactly what was wrong and exactly what you need to do to fix the situation.  For whatever reason this worked very well on my dad, she always got her way.

Again, I’m not sure how either of my step-parents had an affect on my narcissistic behavior.  Somebody recently suggested that maybe I’m not a narcissist at all and that I am the product of narcissistic abuse.  If both Rick and Lisa were narcissists, and their personalities I described above could indicate they were, then maybe this is true.  Maybe I just have narcissistic personality traits that rubbed off on me.  But then I start to think about what really drives me when I make decisions.  The thought process usually goes something like this “How can this benefit me?”.  In every situation.  I don’t do a good deed unless I know somehow it will benefit me.  I don’t help anyone out unless I know I will be able to get a favor in return later.  I don’t enter a relationship unless I feel that I can extract something great out of it.  But I’m willing to entertain the fact that I am not really a narcissist, if you have thoughts on it please leave me a comment in the comment section.

Narc

First grade and my first experience with competitiveness as a forming narcissist

As I stated in a previous post here my mom spent a lot of time with me as a toddler reading to me, teaching me the alphabet and teaching me to count so I was able to read, write and do simple math before I got to kindergarten.  In kindergarten I was probably the smartest kid in the class and excelled in all subjects.  In first grade I finally met my intellectual match in a kid named John.

John’s father was a taxidermist and was very smart himself.  Either he or his mother must’ve also spent a lot of time with John  teaching him at a young age because right away I recognized that I now had some competition in the classroom.  I hated John immediately because of this.  I saw John getting recognition and praise from teachers and other students that I had previously enjoyed all to myself.  I resented him for this and I now recognize I started to display some of my first signs of narcissistic behavior.

I remember one exact incident in which I downplayed something John did in front of the teachers.  John was at the chalkboard and he drew the word “boy”.  There is a particular trick you can do to draw a picture of a boy from this word.  It’s much easier to show you how this is done, check out this video I knew how to do this trick and yet the teacher was so amazed with John when he drew that boy from the word.  How did he beat me with this trick?  If only I had shown the teacher that I could do this first.  I remember saying something along the lines of “That’s easy, everyone knows how to do that trick” in order to downplay what John had done.  I had to somehow wrestle control of the teacher’s admiration back from John, I couldn’t share it with him.  I needed to be the sole center of attention.

It was at this time of my life that I started to hone my skills of putting others down in order for my own self-gain.  Throughout that year I would belittle John in front of teachers and fellow students.  I started to notice that some people would stick up for John and saw my belittlement of him as a sign of weakness.  By first grade I had started building up enough confidence because of the praise and admiration I had gotten the first 6 years of my life that I had a small circle of friends, about 2 or 3 kids.   John was a lot more shy than I was, rarely saying a word to anyone and was the loner that I once was.  Yet other kids would not so easily let me make fun of John in my efforts to beat him down below me.

Looking back throughout my life I have always had the need to put others down when I felt them threaten me in some way.  Whether it was at school, at work or in a social setting I would always pick on, berate or belittle those around me that I thought had some quality that surpassed my own or threatened me in a way that would allow that person to steal admiration or affection that should solely be reserved for me and me only.  This actually led to a few fist fights in my younger days and unfortunately for me I was not a big kid so I usually lost.

In the winter of my 1st grade year a bunch of kids went to the local hill a few blocks from my house that, when covered in snow, made for the perfect sledding hill.  There was a kid there named Adam who had a really cool sled.  It was better than mine and I usually had the coolest sled there.  I saw the other kids admiring Adam’s sled and I was jealous.  Adam also must’ve noticed this because he almost instantly got a sense of entitlement to the hill.  He would cut in line in front of people and take his cool sled down the hill, making the other kids scream at him.  I saw an opportunity.  I waited about halfway down the hill just off to the side until Adam started down the slope on his cool sled.  Just as he got to me I lunged at him knocking him off his cool sled and hopefully putting him in his place and being a hero to the other kids.  Obviously Adam did not take well to this and wanted to fight me.  Immediately I looked around to see who was going to come to my defense and tell Adam he should just go home.  Nope, the other kids now wanted to see a fight and I was not a fighter.  I was a coward so I ran.  I remember thinking how could everyone there betray me when I had done them all a favor.

This incident led me to start developing trust issues.  I trusted the other kids on that hill to stand up for me.  To look at me as their leader because I took care of the problem with Adam hogging the hill and going down it whenever he wanted to.  To trust that when Adam wanted to fight some of the other kids would jump in and help me.  Nobody came to my rescue that day.  One kid that was at the hill was my neighbor Randy.  His mom and my mom would sometimes sit on the front porch together and talk and me and Randy would go in the house and play.  He was about 2 years older than me and he was a tough kid.  I couldn’t believe that he did not jump in and help me, he of all people could’ve saved me the embarrassment of running away.  It was incidents like this that made me start to realize that I was alone in this world.  Nobody but me was going to watch out for me.  If this sounds like the start of the origin story of a super villain, well that just might be what it is.

Narc

I’m a covert narcissist

When I first started this blog a few days ago I had the sole intention of spending each blog post on the next stage of my life.  Then I realized that would probably get boring over time so I’m going to throw some different topics in the mix every few posts.  Plus this will help provide more context around the blogs that do deal mainly with things that have happened in my life.

After years of having my 2nd ex-wife tell me that I am a narcissist and finding books about being in love with a narcissist all over the house I started to do some research on the topic but I never really thought of myself as a narcissist.  I just thought this was my ex-wife’s way of explaining to herself why our marriage was in shambles.  Basically, she was blaming me for our marriage falling apart and she was putting a label on it called narcissism.  It wasn’t until May of this year (2016) that I started connecting some dots while scouring the internet because a girl I had recently dated had some strange behavior patterns and when I told a friend about it he said she sounded like a narcissist.  I began to read a lot of articles on the topic and there are plenty of websites out there that list common traits of a narcissist.  On most lists I found myself checking off every single item.  Here is a list of 21 signs you are narcissist (21 signs you are a narcissist).  I checked off 18 out of 21 or the items.  Here are the 3 I didn’t check off:  I’m not an entertainer, I’m not young anymore (I’m 40) and girls don’t dump me after 4 months.  I usually do the dumping.

I took the standard narcissism quiz that can be found here and scored a 30, which is pretty high.  Any score above a 17 indicates a certain level of narcissism with 40 being the highest score you can get.  What I don’t think this quiz takes into account is that there are different types of narcissists.  When most people think of narcissism  they think of people like Donald Trump.  Loud-mouthed, always in the center of attention wherever they go, very outgoing.  Well, that is not me at all.  I’m a shy, reserved kind of guy.  So how can I be a narcissist?  It turns out there are two types of narcissists: overt and covert narcissists.  The overt narcissist is what I described above: aggressive, arrogant, loud, obnoxious.  The covert narcissist is the opposite: shy, reserved and modest.  Here is a good article on the two types of narcissists (Overt and covert narcissists).

With all of this evidence of me being a narcissist I have finally come to the realization that what my ex-wife had been telling me all along is true.  I am a textbook covert narcissist.  Remember when I said I could only check off 18 of the 21 items on the list above?  Well, the reason I am not an entertainer is because I am a covert narcissist.  You’d have to be overt to want to put yourself out there like that.  “So what do I do now?” I asked myself.  Well, I’ve decided that I am going to own this like a boss.  Since I’ve seen how my behavior has hurt so many people I am going to be consciously aware of my actions and words from now on.  And I am going to write this blog at minimum 5 days a week so that I can truly get my story out there and hopefully help people learn about what kinds of events a child experiences to lead to narcissism and give my readers an in-depth look at what a narcissist is really thinking and feeling when they do the things they do.  My guess is that some of the things I am thinking  when I do something is going to shock you.  You are probably not going to like me very much and that is ok.  I have intentionally left the comments section wide open so that people can say whatever they want.  I am going to have to be very thick skinned but I am ready for that.

Narc

 

Kindergarten as a forming narcissist, an event that lead to my need to regain control of my supply

Kindergarten, the place where most kids experience their first real social setting with a large amount of peers their own age.  Although I don’t remember what exactly I was thinking or feeling on the very first day of kindergarten my mom later in life told me that I acclimated well.  She said she thought that I would be extremely shy when I first arrived on the morning  of that first day.  What I do remember is meeting a that a female classmate named Jody (names will always be changed in my blog to protect the innocent) who took to me right away.  She came up to me when I entered the classroom and asked me to play with her.  She was always saying hi to me and giving me plenty of attention after that.  She was always praising me and telling me I was cute. She was always telling me how smart I was because I excelled at the learning activities we did in class.  She wanted to hang out with me everyday at school, she was always next to me during circle time and always picked me whenever their was a group activity that required a partner.  When my mom gave birth to my brother that year Jody suggested that the class make cards to deliver to my mom.  And she was the prettiest and most popular girl in the class.  We began hanging out after school and on the weekends.  Either her dad would drop her off at my house or my mom would drop me off at her house for “playdates”.  I felt like the luckiest guy in the world that Jody picked me out of all the kids in school to befriend in such a manner.

I was a very innocent child up to this point.  Always shy and reserved, “well-behaved” as I have indicated in other posts.  Jody was outgoing and friendly, we were polar opposites.  It was during one of our playdates where Jody decided she wanted to take things in what I thought at the time was a weird direction.  Basically, she wanted to play “doctor”.  I remember being uncomfortable about the whole thing as it was my nature to be reserved, but I complied as I didn’t want to disappoint Jody.  This happened a few times on a few different playdates until one time we got caught by her dad.  We were in her attic in a very precarious situation when her dad decided to come check on us.  Needless to say he was furious.  I remember being so scared of him, I wasn’t sure what he was going to do.  He was a good man though, and sat us down and explained to us that this was something for adults only.  I wondered if he knew that it was his daughter, and not me, that instigated the whole thing.  Jody’s dad then drove me to my house and I remember him telling me on the way home that he wasn’t going to tell either of our moms what had happened.  That was such a relief in my eyes as I didn’t want my mom’s pristine opinion of me to be tarnished.

I think the outcome of this situation and how Jody handled it scarred me for life.  The next school day Jody started ignoring me.  She wouldn’t even look at me, much less talk to me.  And then she did something that has left an everlasting effect on my relationships throughout my life.  She started paying attention to another boy in class.  I was devastated.  All the things Jody and I had done together in class she was now doing with this other boy.  Hanging out with him during circle time, praising him and giving him all the attention she used to give me.  It was the first time I felt jealousy.  I resented the other boy for this, even though he hadn’t done anything wrong or consciously done anything against me.  He was the new object of her affection and it killed me.

Later in life this manifested itself in many relationships where I would discard a girl and then once I found out she was seeing someone new I would fly into narcissistic rages towards the girl.  This happened with relationships of all kinds, girls I had dated for years or girls who I had dated for a few months.  After the rage episodes I would then begin actively pursuing the girl again, apologizing for my behavior and trying to regain control of my supply before it was too late.  I never wanted a girl to move on after they had dated me because that meant if I needed their supply again it wouldn’t be available to me.  I would feel this even if I had moved on myself and started dating someone new.  I would do things like telling the girl I still loved them even though I didn’t (narcissists don’t feel real unconditional love: This article explains it well), telling the girl what a dirt bag the new guy was, telling the guy that she was still in love with me and would never love him, stalk the girl and her new lover to find any morsel of evidence that I could use against one of them with the other and many other vengeful things.  Sometimes I was able to regain control of the supply, sometimes I could not.  This particular type of situation was the very reason I married my 2nd wife, I found out she involved with another man so I gave her the ultimate ultimatum (she was also pregnant with my child, so throw that in the mix).  It was a very hairy situation that I will explain in full in a later post.  If I could not regain control of my supply then I felt a deep seated resentment towards her and a hatred and jealousy of the new guy.  I will put more details into some of these relationships in later posts, but I can tell you that I have done some horrible things in my life.

I think that how the situation unfolded with Jody was a major event in my formation as a narcissist.  The constant praise she gave me, the attention, the adoration really built me up.  I gained respect from kids in my class because I had the prettiest and most popular girl in class who adored me.  I was also the smartest kid on my Kindergarten class (or at least I thought so) so I always had the admiration of my teacher as well (remember from a previous post that I was able to read, write and count before entering preschool so I was light years ahead of most of my peers).  I loved that kind of attention and respect and my brain was being wired to figure out how to constantly get that kind of attention and respect.

And so it began.

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Pre-school as an up and coming narcissist

Experts say that narcissism is most likely initially developed in the teenage years or early adulthood (When does narcissism begin).  So I can’t really say that I recall feeling many narcissistic feelings in my very early days.  What I do remember from pre-school was starting to realize that I was not like the other kids.  I started to feel that I was better than them for reasons explained below. I believe that some of the events that took place in this time of my life set the foundation for my narcissism though.

As mentioned in my last post, my parents were not very well off.  My mom worked at a grocery store and my dad worked as a delivery truck driver.  So we lived in a rather poor neighborhood and I was sent to a local free pre-school during the day while my mom worked.  I don’t remember the very first day of pre-school but what I do remember about that place was that it always seemed very large inside, a big scary place, and the kids there were so unruly.  Everybody was always running around and laughing and playing.  For whatever reason this seemed so odd to me although as an adult I can look back and realize that it is completely normal.  I was always the quiet kid in the back of the room or on the playground sitting by myself observing.  Most of the time I felt that I was better than the other children because I was quiet and “well behaved”.  This feeling stemmed from feedback I was given by my mother and grandmother whenever we would go out to eat, visit friends and family and otherwise be in public.  If we were in public I was being quiet and “well-behaved”.  I believe now the feeling of superiority over the other kids because of my behavior, which was really just a cover-up for my shyness, was a start to a narcissistic pattern of faking my real self that would later become full-blown.

One particular event that I remember was being on the playground wearing overalls and a t-shirt.  It was a hot summer day and one of the teachers came over to me where I was sitting by myself, being “well-behaved” and asked me if something was wrong.  Why was I not playing with the other children?  I couldn’t believe she had the audacity to question why I was being so well-behaved.  Isn’t this what I was supposed to be doing?  I remember telling her that it was too hot outside to be running around like the other kids were doing.  Her solution was for me to remove my t-shirt and keep my overalls on.  I did not like this idea but somehow I was either convinced to do it or forced to do it, I do not remember which.  Once my t-shirt was off I felt even more of an outcast.  Why was I now the only kid on the playground not wearing a shirt?  I felt naked and afraid!  Needless to say this further solidified my need to stay away from the other kids on the playground.

My mom arrived sometime after this all happened and she could tell something was not right about me.  Whether it was because I was behaving more shy than usual or I was crying I don’t exactly remember but she approached the teacher and asked if something happened.  When the teacher explained she told me to take my shirt off because of the heat my mom became very upset.  In her protective manner she let the teacher know she did not appreciate her asking me to remove clothing at school.

Another event I remember was the school Halloween party. It took place after school hours and I did not want to go whatsoever.  The thought of being outside of my element of normal clothes and forced to wear a costume I didn’t want to wear scared the hell out of me.  What would everyone think?  Would they laugh at my costume?  What if my costume wasn’t as good as the other kids?  Well, from my mom’s perspective it was not an option to sit the party out.  She dressed me up as a hobo of all things.  She made me wear my play clothes that were torn and probably had stains.  She charred a cork and rubbed the black part on my face to make a hobo beard.  And she stuffed a pillow in my shirt to give the effect of a large belly.  Then I was driven to the school and sent in to join the, um,  fun.  If I normally felt like an outcast that day I was the king of outcasts in my mind.  As usual I stayed to myself for most of the party.  Throughout the time I was there that stupid pillow my mom put in my shirt kept falling out and someone would always come over and give it to me.  I was so embarrassed. I don’t believe anyone ridiculed me about it but I felt ridiculed by the whole thing.

These types of events as a young child most likely started to cause me to fake my behavior in order to please those around me.  I was always looking to the adults for confirmation of my behavior.  Since those who were closest to me, my mother and grandmother, would praise me for being well-behaved I started to use this behavior as a cover up for my shyness.  I also started to exude the the sense that I was superior to kids my own age, further causing them to resent me. The fact that I was shy was many times mistaken for being stuck-up and snobbish.

Feel free to leave me comments or questions about any of this behavior and perhaps I can provide additional examples of events that took place in those very early years the eventually led to me developing narcissism.  Next post I am going to tackle kindergarten where I believe I had the beginnings of a narcissistic relationship.

Narc

How it all began, the makings of a narcissist

I thought long and hard on how to start this blog and I’ve concluded I will start at the very beginning.  I am the product of divorced parents.  My parents divorced when I was 2 years old so I don’t really even remember life with my parents being married.  They were young when they found out they were having me.  My dad was 21 and my mom was 18 and still in high school.  Neither of my parents attended college and both were blue collar type workers.  I found out later in life that my grandmother on my mom’s side wanted my parents to give me up for adoption because of their young age and their financial instability.  I also found out later that I ended up being my grandmother’s favorite and she was always praising me in front of family and friends (more on this later, this constant praise certainly didn’t help any).  Lucky for me, they kept me 🙂

I always remember being babied as a toddler.  Do this, don’t do this kind of stuff.  Both of my parents were very over-protective.  Following the divorce I lived with my mom and my dad took me on Sundays.  My dad was the kind of guy who liked to party, he liked to drink and smoke weed & cigarettes.  My mom was the exact opposite.  This is what ultimately led to the divorce.  My dad would sometimes come home drunk and my mom would be livid.  She was always trying to protect me from this behavior from what I am told.  My mom was the shy goody-two-shoes type of person.  Didn’t drink, didn’t smoke, didn’t do drugs. This left her plenty of time to spend with me reading me books, teaching me the alphabet & how to write and teaching me how to count.  She was also extremely shy and had a hard time meeting new people.  These last two points are probably the most important attributes that created my narcissistic behavior later in life if I had to guess.  Because I knew how to read, write and count before I even got to pre-school and was always ahead of my class I was always seen as gifted.  Because I took after my mom’s shy side I had a very hard time meeting new people and maintaining friendships.

If you ask any professional they will tell you that nobody really knows what causes people to grow up to be narcissists (Causes of narcissism).  But they do agree that constant praise and low self-esteem are probably two of the main causes.  See, a narcissist will tell you that they are the best.  But deep down inside we don’t feel that way.  We’re extremely self-conscious and put up a fake front to make up for it.  We act like we are the smartest, most attractive people in the room.  This can lead to the charismatic charm mask that we put on for everybody.  I say mask because, again, it is just a show.  We do not really feel that we are the smartest, most attractive person in the room usually and we are extremely jealous of anyone smarter or more attractive then we are.  Well, anyone who is of the same gender at least because we see them as vicious competition in our quest for narcissistic relationships.

An example: I recently found out that the ex-girlfriend I dated when me and my last wife first separated was dating someone new after we broke up (read: I discarded her).  I scoured her social media until I found a recent picture of her with a guy.  This guy was probably 10 years younger then her and extremely well built.  You could tell he worked out.  I was furious at this.  I called her every name in the book on a phone call one day in a narcissistic fit of rage.  And I mean every nasty name you can call a woman.  2 months later I see another set of pictures.  It turns out the first guy was not the guy she was dating at all.  It was her new boyfriend’s cousin or something.  The new set of pictures showed a guy 10 years older than her and much less attractive then me.  I slept so much better knowing she had downgraded!  Well, in my narcissistic opinion I am much better looking!

So the goal of this post was to set the stage for the remaining posts.  My life as a narcissist began when I excelled at school, got constant praise from friends, family and teachers and I was just shy enough not to be able to handle relationships like a normal person.  I was constantly bullied for being smart and was too shy to stand up for myself as a little boy.  I was also told I was a cute kid also 🙂  Not to be a narcissist or anything but I would have to agree!  I do think that I am above average in the looks department.  No, seriously.  That is not a narcissistic comment.  I think?  All of these things led me to feel that I was the smartest, cutest kid in the class but I had built no mechanisms for how to handle these praises or the bullying that ensued.

Over the course of this journey of blogging I plan to detail events in my life that I can remember that either built upon my narcissism or events in which I can remember acting out with my narcissistic behavior.  I am going to have to drop my pride often and really come to terms with how my behavior affected those around me.  This will be a tough journey and I hope to provide two things:

  1.  Give you readers a sense of what types of events cause a person to develop narcissism and many of the things I have done to people so that you can learn the tell-tale signs of narcissim.
  2. Hopefully this will be therapeutic for me.  I am not ready to seek professional help yet but perhaps blogging will be the first step in the process.  Hey, I’m a narcissist.  There has to be something in it for me!

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